I was confronted by this term a couple of years ago when the boy/man who raped me committed suicide, after he had been found guilty of the same crime with a different girl.
I had once again become unhinged when hearing this news and headed to my therapist to help me, put myself and keep myself together.
For those of you who are survivors, you know that we are constantly flirting with becoming unhinged. Everyday we are plagued by fleeting damaging thoughts.
“Did it really happen?”
“Did I provoke/ask for it?”
“Did I secretly want it?”
Simple human gestures of concern or love can be construed as attacks which lead me to spend hours in the shower. Flirty gestures can catapult me into thoughts such as:
“See, you did provoke him.”
“You do want it.”
“You are asking for it.”
These thoughts and interactions shape how I think about yourself, how I dress, how I constantly protect myself. From Everything and Everybody.
Last night I watched Downtown Abbey. All the help are sitting around the table and a seemingly innocuous conversation leads Mr Bates to realise that he is looking at the man who raped his wife. I cannot tell you the immense pleasure, joy, satisfaction I felt. Mr. Bates, a fictional character, was going to avenge his wife. He was going to avenge me.
I realise after all these years. It’s not only the revenge fantasy that I, the survivor am after. It’s that someone else believes and knows that it has indeed happened. That someone is looking out to find the perpetrator and that there will be payback.
The person who has altered my thoughts, my sense of safety, my sense of self – FOREVER – will pay for this crime. The crime of having altered me. I fantasise about who I would have been if these heinous acts were not perpetrated against me.
And that is the ultimate fantasy.
RED MY LIPS!